Email Me Baby, Yeah!

In response to the thousands of requests I've had, I have finally got round to setting up an email feed, so that all the beautiful people who read me can initiate their friends too! This is not quite how my world domination plan was going to begin, but it's a start!

All you have to do is click on the little envelope icon with an arrow through it at the bottom of every post - then insert the email addresses of all of your friends. For those of you who know exactly who "The Cast List" really are - for God's sake think before you email! Could an emailed post fall into the lap of an undesirable? Maleficient is not omnipresent, contrary to popular belief - that's just her breath, feet, and the bullshit that comes out of her mouth, you can smell. I'm hilarious people - now go spread the word!

Why are you still reading?! Be gone.....!

The Howling Sexual Antics Of Those Next Door!

OH MY GOD - NOT AGAIN?! Our relatively new - adjoining! - neighbours are almost always having sex as though (a) they're trying to kill each other, (b) experimenting with garden implements, (c) they've introduced a highly sexed hyena into the proceedings, or (d) all of the above!

You could be forgiven for dismissing me as simply being envious, and it's true, I was envious of the free time they seemingly have to express their "love for each other" - right up to moment last night at 12.30am when their 7 year-old son could be heard shouting repeatedly: "MUM! ..... MUM! ... MUM! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!" I laughed so hard I almost fell off the chandelier!

I don't know about you, but I can accept being cautioned by the police, tutted at by night fishermen - but told off by your own son ... well, that's just not right. Evidently they went off the boil after that, and never got to where they were going. Such a shame...

Website

Am trying very hard to design our new company website, but I'm concerned that the internet may be obsolete by the time I'm done!

Olga visited & bought gifts!

Olga visited on Tuesday and bought Sarah a karaoke High School Musical microphone that plugs into the TV and allows my little tone deaf darling to caterwaul her way through the entire song book - many, many times. She sounds like a bag of cats being slammed against a wall, and this is a picture of what I look like now, having previously looked remarkably similar to a young Jennifer Aniston. You can run Olga, but you can't hide - I will get you for this!

Ratty and Ferret visited Maleficent's at the weekend and we were summoned, along with Jabba and Plank, for an audience with them. Thankfully Thing was visiting those from afar, and so there was some food left for those of us who use cutlery as opposed to garden implements during our dining experiences. It was a civil enough exchange, but Maleficent couldn't help herself with her snide remarks and comments. Oh how I long to tap dance on a newly settled mound of earth!

Hair

I was complaining to my hairdresser recently that my hair felt straw-like, as opposed to the high gloss tumbled-dried Mink feel it usually has. It came as a revelation to me that my hair may still be feeling the after-effects of my recent pregnancy, even though Bart is now 7 months-old. Kelly, my hairdresser, then rootled through my bale to show me Exhibit A - small tufts of new hair. Never one to be reassured needlessly, I stated this hair was more likely to be what was left after five days of looking after two kids during half term, but no - said Kelly - if that were true, my small tufts would be more fist like in shape and size. And there I was reassured after all. Regretfully however, my hair is likely to resemble a badly coiffured thatch for up to 18 months! Honestly girls, what are the benefits to having babies?

School Holidays - DAY 4!

Well, here we are; DAY 4 of the Easter Holidays and I still have a surprising amount of hair left on my head - albeit greying faster than the speed of light! It's amazing just how much stuff kids want, and the metronomic frequency in which they want it. I have started noticing a pattern though: every time my arse is within 3 inches of a seat, Bart will either throw up in a manner befitting an "Exorcist" audition, or Sarah will want a) a drink, b) some food - 30 minutes following her last meal, c) some paper to cut into shredletts and scatter liberally around the house, c) a poo or d) for me to drive her across town to play at a friend's house, or all of the above. Sarah is especially good with the guilt thing; she's a smart girl who is fully aware of Bart's routine, and will wait until I'm in the middle of feeding/changing/bathing him before she asks if I can play a game with her - or even more guilt-worthy - help her with her homework. Then the delightful little darling is so well versed on my likely responses that she has a special "...it's okay Mummy, I understand why you have no time for me..." face. Another aspect to this pattern is that whenever James is napping, or in bed for the night, all motivation towards homework and parental interaction is gone baby - now Polly Pockets are infinitely more interesting than I, where they were just merely boring before. Anticipating these ploys from the manipulative mindset of a five year-old, I had my guilt button surgically removed before she was born, seasoned to taste with urea and sprinkled over Maleficent's sour lemon and piss flavoured breakfast cereal, which explains how she manoeuvres her facial features into their default position, I guess. As time and five year-olds wait for no one, I must be away to see (as if I didn't already know) what DAY 5 brings me. Remember me fondly!

School Holidays

School holidays should be reclassified as crimes against humanity, as they serve only as a cruel and unusual means of punishment for some heinous past-life atrocity that I'm consciously unaware of! How will I ever survive this fortnight, these next 14 days, 336 arduous hours?! The horror, oh the humanity! I REPENT!!!