I'm Back! Again.

Sorry for the unseemly delay but I'm back now, and there'll be no stopping me!

I've simply been so busy with work, family and the rigours of Facebook and Twitter (urgh!), that I've not had time for this blog.  Congratulations to all of you who have held it together all these months, your therapists have updated me repeatedly on your progress, and are confident of a full recovery now that I'm back.  I promise to not wander off like that again without full and complete notification.

Not much has changed since I've been away. Maleficent continues to breathe - dammit - and also continues to be a hooning great pain in the arse, Olga is still magnificent but I don't get to see or speak to her nearly enough, whilst Keith and the kids are still married and/or related to me, which is as much as can ever be expected.

Our neighbours however have been renamed (from Shagette and Igor) to Forehead and Peanut, simply because of their very odd shaped heads, and because she doesn't get the shaggings she used to - boo hoo - more sleep for me! I've been reliably informed (via the For Sale sign outside) that Forehead and Peanut are moving house soon. This fills me with joy and terror all at the same time. Watch this space to find out what species of pond life we get as neighbours this time. The fact that I saw David Attenborough setting up cameras in the front garden does not bode well I feel.

I have absolutely LOADS to rant about, so do keep up and be sure to visit back again very soon - I could literally go off at any time.  I have set up a blog for work recently and have to positive, cheerful, proactive, dynamic and friendly - you know, all the things that come so easily to me [cough].  This blog however is going to be where I vent my spleen, where - because I'm annonymous - I can say what I like about who I like - woo hoo! 

Stand well back coz' here I cum, come.

Email Me Baby, Yeah!

In response to the thousands of requests I've had, I have finally got round to setting up an email feed, so that all the beautiful people who read me can initiate their friends too! This is not quite how my world domination plan was going to begin, but it's a start!

All you have to do is click on the little envelope icon with an arrow through it at the bottom of every post - then insert the email addresses of all of your friends. For those of you who know exactly who "The Cast List" really are - for God's sake think before you email! Could an emailed post fall into the lap of an undesirable? Maleficient is not omnipresent, contrary to popular belief - that's just her breath, feet, and the bullshit that comes out of her mouth, you can smell. I'm hilarious people - now go spread the word!

Why are you still reading?! Be gone.....!

Olga visited & bought gifts!

Olga visited on Tuesday and bought Sarah a karaoke High School Musical microphone that plugs into the TV and allows my little tone deaf darling to caterwaul her way through the entire song book - many, many times. She sounds like a bag of cats being slammed against a wall, and this is a picture of what I look like now, having previously looked remarkably similar to a young Jennifer Aniston. You can run Olga, but you can't hide - I will get you for this!

Ratty and Ferret visited Maleficent's at the weekend and we were summoned, along with Jabba and Plank, for an audience with them. Thankfully Thing was visiting those from afar, and so there was some food left for those of us who use cutlery as opposed to garden implements during our dining experiences. It was a civil enough exchange, but Maleficent couldn't help herself with her snide remarks and comments. Oh how I long to tap dance on a newly settled mound of earth!

School Holidays - DAY 4!

Well, here we are; DAY 4 of the Easter Holidays and I still have a surprising amount of hair left on my head - albeit greying faster than the speed of light! It's amazing just how much stuff kids want, and the metronomic frequency in which they want it. I have started noticing a pattern though: every time my arse is within 3 inches of a seat, Bart will either throw up in a manner befitting an "Exorcist" audition, or Sarah will want a) a drink, b) some food - 30 minutes following her last meal, c) some paper to cut into shredletts and scatter liberally around the house, c) a poo or d) for me to drive her across town to play at a friend's house, or all of the above. Sarah is especially good with the guilt thing; she's a smart girl who is fully aware of Bart's routine, and will wait until I'm in the middle of feeding/changing/bathing him before she asks if I can play a game with her - or even more guilt-worthy - help her with her homework. Then the delightful little darling is so well versed on my likely responses that she has a special "...it's okay Mummy, I understand why you have no time for me..." face. Another aspect to this pattern is that whenever James is napping, or in bed for the night, all motivation towards homework and parental interaction is gone baby - now Polly Pockets are infinitely more interesting than I, where they were just merely boring before. Anticipating these ploys from the manipulative mindset of a five year-old, I had my guilt button surgically removed before she was born, seasoned to taste with urea and sprinkled over Maleficent's sour lemon and piss flavoured breakfast cereal, which explains how she manoeuvres her facial features into their default position, I guess. As time and five year-olds wait for no one, I must be away to see (as if I didn't already know) what DAY 5 brings me. Remember me fondly!