I'm gonna rip his head off and shit in his neck! I'm referring to my dearly beloved Keith who was snoring AGAIN last night and I've just about had enough. If it's not him making the earth move - for all the wrong reasons - it's Bart because he's thirsty or has his legs caught in the bars of his cot, or he's teething, or he's just being a pain in the arse like his father!
Seriously, I have not slept well or properly since January 2003, i.e.: weeks before I fell pregnant with Sarah - because once I was pregnant with Sarah, I ran a huge gamut of reasons not to sleep, which I reluctantly repeated once pregnant with Bart. Evidently my pelvis is held together with Pritt Stick and duly fell apart under the considerable strain of carrying two not-inconsiderable babies (I had SPD).
Then Sarah had Croup - not asthma as the doctors insisted - and subjected me and only me (because Keith has nocturnal deafness!) to a very loud barking cough throughout winter. Every winter. Then we had neighbours who moved in and had the loudest most vigourous and frequent sex - EVER! It just wasn't fair. On the nights all of these things didn't happen, the moon was blue and a police helicopter hovered 3 inches above our roof all night - arghhh!
So, we're back to last night, and I was starting to list all the possible sites in which I could bury Keith's body, but decided against murdering him upstairs, as I'd have problems dragging him downstairs - what with the 13 loud bumps of his dead-weight skull crashing against every stair tread. Hmmm, this would probably wake the children - and I clearly didn't want that! So having decided against murdering him - for the moment at least, I won't rule it out completely - what could I do to shut him up?! Rip his head off and shit in his neck! True, it would dirty the sheets, but it would be worth it for a few short hours of slumber.
We've tried everything on the market and we've seen an Ears Nose & Throat specialist who told us, in his considered and educated opionion, that Keith has a "fat neck" - a medical term I believe - which is causing the snoring. Tell me, did we pay for your medical training via our taxes Dumb-Arse?! Nothing stops this man from snoring - nothing! We've even had the neighbours - yes, those neighbours, banging on the wall telling him to shut the fuck up, which is a bit rich if you ask me. I'd rather listen to Keith snoring than two hyenas disembowlling each other with garden implements - which must be what's going on in there!
So, if you know of any geniune, well tested and successful means of getting a man with a fat neck to stop snoring, please email forthwith and tell me about - otherwise I'm gonna need to borrow your shovel!
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